It is Sunday, usually considered ‘sleep all day Sunday’ in this house.
I do wish that I could interpret my dreams. They aren’t nightmares, thank goodness, but I feel there are messages there.
This morning I did get a glimpse of what my dream was about. People helping each other. I don’t even know what we were doing, but I was happy in the dream. I was content and peaceful.
I miss that kind of life. I miss having people around me, I miss being able to help people and miss having people around to help me. I have isolated myself again. I need to stop that. Change that. I am not sure how.
I am told that I need to surround myself with people who have the same life goals as I do, or people that have characteristics and morals that I have or want to have. Easier said than done when I have no idea what I want. Truth be told I don’t even know what I need anymore.
My biggest roadblocks in trying to reach a goal I do set is people. I let them get in my head and then become my own obstacle. They don’t even have to be around much, just a memory of when they were. What was said, a look given and worst yet – the sigh.
I look in the mirror these days and don’t recognize the person in the mirror. I am not me, I am everyone else.
Hell, I can’t even cry anymore. That emotion is no longer present in me. Yes, I may have a few triggers that cause me to tear up yet that is all I do. Tear up, the emotion dies and I am on with things.
What things? Distractions, busy work – things to keep me out of my head. I’ve gotten so far out of my head that I have to keep a repeating list going of things to be done. Eat (check box), feed the dogs (check box), shower (check box), brush teeth (check box) – an so on and so forth.
Get out of your head is a statement that I have taken literally to heart. My head, however, is where my hopes, dreams, goals and desires live. Its where my knowledge lives, my talents and my skills live.
Lately I don’t question things. I trust no one yet believe everyone. The chaos in my mind is gone and has left an empty vessel. That isn’t true. It is still there. It is buried deep. I think of it like a closet in a spare bedroom or what I call a ‘shit shelter’ in your yard. All the things I don’t want to see or face gets shoved there. I have no clue what is in there anymore.
Imagine cleaning it out. What to keep, what to toss. What is mine, what isn’t. I have enough trouble cleaning out my physical closet and am not brave enough to clean out this mental one. I need to, though. My mind is a ‘shit shelter’ for useless things along with very good things. I have thrown out the proverbal baby with the bath water.
I want to recognize the person in the mirror again. It doesn’t matter if I like her or not, I just want to recognize and remember her.
Love and light to all!Next Entries »